It has been just over 6 months since I wrote my last blog post…even reading that back it pains me to think I have deprived myself of this pleasure for so long. A lot has changed in my life, some things rapidly, some things over a longer period of time. I find myself in a far better, more positive place now. However, thoughts do still plague my mind.
I second guess myself on a daily basis. Have I become the person I wanted to be? Am I slipping back into old habits? Will I ever amount to anything? Life isn’t meant to be something that is easy, It is about challenging yourself daily and making something of your time. I just don’t feel I can do that. I’m drown in physical pain, emotional pain and trauma. I have been betrayed by the people closest to me my entire life, it is something I want to try and prevent but it’s a never ending cycle. I grasp onto people so fast, I spiral out of control and force them away. I don’t know from what place inside me this is coming from, but it hurts and I don’t want to feel it anymore.
In fact, I don’t want to feel anything anymore, not in a sense of not being around, but I want myself to have a day where I am pain free. The last few years of my existence has been spent taking various medications to prevent and stop myself from experiencing my reality. Painkillers can only mask symptoms, not cure. I think that’s important sentence to read over and think deeply about. They mask, not cure. I believe a lot of things in life are merely masked. We literally wear makeup to hide what is underneath. We plaster fake smiles on to hide the deep hurt that we hold. There is so much we do that we hide, we will never be truly exposed and ourselves.
I scan my brain again and again, wondering what events have led me to be this way? Why am I so scared of people? I am so honest and open that most people abuse this and then I hide away for a while…Only to come back and repeat the same violent cycle. Life is one giant cycle. We repeat actions over and over again only to believe the outcome will be different, but why? What makes us do this? Is it some sort of innate action inside of us? To be proven wrong, or a desperate desire to be proven right. That we know the cycle may never be broken, but we believe something is more than it is, that it is different than the rest.
There is beauty in everything, even the worst things in life. Grasp it and look at it in awe, whatever it is. You have the power over every decision you make in life. From what side of the bed to get out on, and how far you should lift that finger. There are situations you cannot prevent from happening, but you can control the aftermath and how you handle it.
To inspire and be inspired, to love and be loved, to touch and be touched.