Life Cycles

It has been just over 6 months since I wrote my last blog post…even reading that back it pains me to think I have deprived myself of this pleasure for so long. A lot has changed in my life, some things rapidly, some things over a longer period of time. I find myself in a far better, more positive place now. However, thoughts do still plague my mind.

I second guess myself on a daily basis. Have I become the person I wanted to be? Am I slipping back into old habits? Will I ever amount to anything? Life isn’t meant to be something that is easy, It is about challenging yourself daily and making something of your time. I just don’t feel I can do that. I’m drown in physical pain, emotional pain and trauma. I have been betrayed by the people closest to me my entire life, it is something I want to try and prevent but it’s a never ending cycle. I grasp onto people so fast, I spiral out of control and force them away. I don’t know from what place inside me this is coming from, but it hurts and I don’t want to feel it anymore.

In fact, I don’t want to feel anything anymore, not in a sense of not being around, but I want myself to have a day where I am pain free. The last few years of my existence has been spent taking various medications to prevent and stop myself from experiencing my reality. Painkillers can only mask symptoms, not cure. I think that’s important sentence to read over and think deeply about. They mask, not cure. I believe a lot of things in life are merely masked. We literally wear makeup to hide what is underneath. We plaster fake smiles on to hide the deep hurt that we hold. There is so much we do that we hide, we will never be truly exposed and ourselves.

I scan my brain again and again, wondering what events have led me to be this way? Why am I so scared of people? I am so honest and open that most people abuse this and then I hide away for a while…Only to come back and repeat the same violent cycle. Life is one giant cycle. We repeat actions over and over again only to believe the outcome will be different, but why? What makes us do this? Is it some sort of innate action inside of us? To be proven wrong, or a desperate desire to be proven right. That we know the cycle may never be broken, but we believe something is more than it is, that it is different than the rest.

There is beauty in everything, even the worst things in life. Grasp it and look at it in awe, whatever it is. You have the power over every decision you make in life. From what side of the bed to get out on, and how far you should lift that finger. There are situations you cannot prevent from happening, but you can control the aftermath and how you handle it.

To inspire and be inspired, to love and be loved, to touch and be touched.

M.S

Goodbye, Farewell

I’m glad 2016 has finally come to an end and 2017 has started, even if it hasn’t been the best start. I look back and reflect almost daily, not on 2016 alone, but on my whole life. I’ve lost focus on what is important to me and where I am heading. Depression, other mental disorders and illnesses that have brain fog or loss of mental function have plagued my life for a number of years now.

I am no longer that same 16 year old girl I once was, instead I am a shadow of my former self who lives behind smiles and finger picking. Everyone always tells me how much better I have been the last few months, how since August I seem far happier and much more like my former self. I don’t see this, and the people who spend almost everyday with me and wrestle with my thoughts know this.

You have taken my life away, but I want it back. I’m fed up of living a miserable life that is plagued by stupid nightmares, or small harsh reminders that you’re around. I hate that I’m made to be crazy now, that I’m not able to be of sane mind because I have a mental disorder or two attached to me at all times.

I will chase my ambitions, I know I may seem stupid or vulnerable sometimes but I will get there.

I’m more than a victim, I’m more than you’ll ever be.

It’s important to surround yourself with people who will ride and die for you, who will show you where to go when you have no idea of how to get there. Even though your illnesses will tell you that you can’t do it, you can. Put your mind to it and push. Push to be the person you dream of, put the past behind you and show everyone the transformation you’ve made.

I’m not the kind of person to shy away from topics that most are afraid of. You need to harness your demons and take control. Don’t let a mental or physical illness define you, you are more than you give yourself credit for.

You will lose and gain so many people in your lifetime, your relationship dynamics may or may not completely change at all, but you should always have someone by your side. You just need that one supporter who really pushes you and sees things in you that you yourself cannot see.

I am blessed with a best friend who shows me right from wrong and helps me realise and achieve my dreams. I am forever grateful for you Toby. You’ve picked me up when I have been at my lowest and watched me suffer for years. Thank you.

And to everyone else who I love and adore so dearly, I hope this year is yours. That you’ll experience things that you’ve never imagined would become possible in your most turbulent times.

Find solace in the small things, listen to every tiny noise and fall easy to the charms of life. We have so much to be thankful for and to embrace. We all may not be able to control the things that happen to us, but we can shape these experiences into something beneficial and powerful.

We are all more than our labels and barriers.

M.S

Is Suffering Finite?

Suffering is eternal. We must continue our endeavour towards happiness but experience the high tides that come with it. To bask in the crashing waves and embrace change…but what if I can’t?

I face an endless journey that seemingly becomes more infinite as time progresses. When you feel like permanence is present but really it’s just as permanent as the seasons. Everything must come to an end, nothing is secure. Decay is all around and in some people it is all that is thriving inside of them.

Instability defines us all, we cannot be consistent, we cannot remain in a constant state of coping. To sit watching walls, hoping they will offer more vitality than the one in my soul. Rip apart the sheets, watch them fade to nothing. Touch the tables, feel the cold, shallow shell inside.

Watch as our lungs explode with air we couldn’t expel; Feelings we couldn’t express honestly bursting out of the shell that we call our temple. Our bodies are no longer sacred, we defile them constantly, with regret and dishonesty.

We waste away into nothing. We are mere specks in a universe that cares little for our existence.  We awake to perform the same mundane routines until death decides it is our time. Some of us make an impact, others just get forgotten in a week after the initial shock has hit.

Realise that in time we will all be gone, no trace left on this earth. I can experience memorable ventures, but how long before they’re a memory and I fall back into the tunnel that haunts me daily.

We all have a dark cloud looming over us, however, we must all await the storm it delivers and then embrace it.

We are slaves to a world and life we may not want.

I wish suffering was finite.

M.S

Pain demands to be felt…

To be alive means you must suffer at times, to be conscious means you must feel. Life is a whirlwind of experiences that demands emotions constantly. They could be torturous, incredible or defeating. Some people feel suffering more than most, I most certainly wish this wasn’t the case.

Everyone must live with pain in their lives, albeit emotional or physical, it demands to be felt. It is hard to understand that some people will face this less than others, that everyone has a different tolerance.

Experiences will come in your life that will in tow make you feel like it is the end and that what you are facing cannot be overcome. I have felt these experiences a thousand times over, I wish I didn’t have to feel this and that every experience was really a dream or alternate reality. However, we cannot and do not have this luxury. I have mourned for people who will not mourn for me too, I have loved people who will never fully acknowledge me again. These are the experiences we must fight against, that will make us in turn, more able and lovable.

I am thankful for being alive, for being able to enjoy the incredibly simple things like feeling my hands run through my hair; feeling the weather touch my skin, the emotions running wild in my heart and mind. I am thankful for the people who make my everyday worth living, for giving me a reason to wake in the morning when I no longer feel I can.

I have realised due to recent medical issues that life is far too short to waste your time feeling sorry for yourself, that you cannot and must not simply take a day for granted. These days we live are filled with love, hatred, joy and sadness. You must embrace and excel among these, you must make every day so memorable that you simply can’t believe the next day can be better than the last.

I regret so much of how I have lived my life, I regret the actions I have bestowed upon others, I am sorry to those I have hurt.

This pain demands to be felt and it is. More raw than ever before; I will always harbor these feelings in my heart forever more.

We must remember that we are strong and we all have a purpose in the world, each purpose different to the individual. We can and will never be completely broken, we will never be unable to rise back up from the darkest pits. We all have strength and courage we all thought we couldn’t muster. We must believe in ourselves and our ability to grow and prosper. To heal and be healed.

If you do not believe in yourself, someone else always will.

Never give up hope.

M.S

This World Isn’t What I Thought It Would Be

I query the people around me almost constantly. I am sick of this hatred and pollution of judgement. I’m finally seeing the true colours of all around me. People who I thought were my friends, not speaking to me because I haven’t sent the first message.

This doesn’t surprise me, not in the slightest. I’ve known for a while that the people who I thought cared about me haven’t for a long time, If not since I met them. I’m just sick of being insulted by people who have no idea about my past and present situation. I’m sure you’re vividly aware of who you are If you’re reading this. I’ve tried my best over the past 3 years to not let my variety of ailments get to me, but they are, and barely anyone is helping me. Instead I’m left to fend for myself.

I’ve lost majority of myself to sickness, and I’m not about to start letting people feel they can shape me into their vision of good. I am who I am and I’m not ashamed of it.

I’ve had a very rough past few weeks. I am struggling with constant criticism from people whom I’ve never met, who have only just met me and who have known me for years. I would like to know what you people feel you can do for me, and why the hell you decide to pick on me? I am fully aware I’m not good enough for most, but leave me alone, don’t punish me for being something I never intended to be.

I never meant to get sick, physically and mentally. However, It’s happened and what are you going to do about it? It’s something I sure as hell can’t change, so why feel you can? You’re not my medication, you’re a symptom to me.

I wish I could be left alone, not hurt, ever. I wish my life was easier.

I wish the people I am most unfortunate to have met, will disappear and never speak to me again.

You’ve knocked me down for the last time.

M.S

Am I Worth It?

Am I worth it?

Surely not. I’m drastically torn between emotions directed at myself. I really cannot understand why I dislike myself to the extent I do. However, I feel my mixed relationships with others is what affects this. I struggle to believe that people really do like me as they say they do. I’ve been rejected far too much to feel like I am worthy of another persons time. But I shouldn’t feel like that surely? I shouldn’t need to be worthy, moreover, I shouldn’t need to be scared of how people perceive me. Alas, I am.

The world is ever-changing and we are expected to keep up to this unattainable pace that is set out for us. It’s a daily struggle for some of us to remain calm and not freak out over the small things. I find that on days where everything goes too fast and my mind goes too slow, that I cannot function anymore and go into ‘overload’.

To say I am not conscious of how I appear would be to lie aimlessly. Of course I am, how could I not be? I am extremely small and constantly reminded of this. It is not my fault, believe me I have tried to change it. I wish society could be fully accepting of every size, shape and form. It is difficult as human nature has programmed us to judge, even if it’s unintentional. The human race is a strange species that remains a mystery, even to the people who study it as a career.

I suffer from extreme lows, however these are always silent and alone. I seem to overcome them for the short period I have human distraction. Sadly, when I am alone again it comes back to haunt me. I wish I could see a point to my existence. I don’t have much of a talent, and certainly not one that I enjoy as much anymore. I feel all I have left is to make people happy, even if that means letting my own happiness die. I am an extremely broken person with an exceptionally well formed external that misleads almost everyone I know.

I wish I could be more open about my life to specific people, and I wish I wasn’t so scared of their judgement. Only one person knows me better than anyone else and even then I still feel like an excruciatingly big disappointment in their life. As I grow older I feel more important, but to everyone else and never myself. I hope that with counselling and self-help, I will be able to overcome my emotions and slightly alter my emotional states to be better fitted to the environment around me and past situations.

I just want to be accepted, and loved unconditionally.

M.S

Dark Veil, Clouding Judgement

I’ve spent a good majority of my day asleep, or generally feeling very sorry for myself. I’m unsure that this pain is really worth enduring. What will ever improve it? I feel like a lost cause, floating endlessly between person to person, forever being abandoned due to something beyond my control. I’m unsure what purpose I actually have? I cannot see my life having enough functionality that I can perform any lasting impact on the world.

I has become apparent that I have more than what is considered depression and anxiety, but something far more life changing and something that has surpassed any expectation for myself.

I am preparing for the harsh comments and disbelief to come.

I am so lost, I feel like my whole life until this very point has been a lie, a mixture of emotions that cannot be contained anymore. I’ve lied to myself, for 19 years. The hurt I feel is incomprehensible. I lose friends because I’m a person who has very little to offer, I have even less now. I’m a bigger weight to those around me than myself.

This may sound like an overly depressing, convoluted blog post to follow, but I need to get this off my chest. I read infinite self help books and posts, to little avail, I still don’t feel understood. How could I? My soul purpose I feel (if any) is to help others through their journey in life. If my life cannot be what I want it to be, I can try to help others achieve theirs. I will forever hate the fact that I have to live a mundane life that will be forgotten because we all die, no one will ever remember me as anything other than a fleeting moment in their daily lives.

I am thankful for the few people who have made my life worth continuing. I am thankful that I am given the time of day to just be in the presence of others without being exiled like I had been as a child. The depression I have been in for a while now has been the easiest to mask, I feel I can keep myself entertained. But when I’m alone, I’m suffocated by loneliness, dark thoughts and grief.

Andrew Solomon, along with John Green, is one of the only people I have come across that truly describe what it is liked to be depressed or anxious. I live a daily battle that slowly eats at me, until one day I struggle, everything is too hard. I am grateful these men can help me see the beauty in words, and give me strength to carry on with my dream of education and acceptance.

‘Wake up from the nightmare, Because you are the dream’

M.S

Is This What I’ve Become?

Brutal honesty is something I try to live my life by. When I am upset by something with someone, I always try to be honest and explain my emotions when possible. I’m finding I am drifting away from what I used to be, towards something a lot scarier than I ever imagined. Why can I no longer trust myself? Why must my mind allow me to feel insignificant and full of self-hatred?

The past week has been filled with abuse from my brain, I am nothing. I have no role in this world, not the role I wanted. I’ve found everything hard to do; I can’t look after myself in the way a normal person would. I wake up, dreading what the day will show me, what I have to endure. I constantly slam snooze in the desperate hope that the time will come where I don’t have to get up, where my day doesn’t have to ‘begin’. I get through the day wearing a smile and a happy persona but I just cannot keep up this fake mask for much longer.

I’m struggling, I really am. I don’t know if my medication is just low and needs to be raised or I really am slowly becoming more depressed. I just don’t know, I have no idea about anything anymore. This is all one massive blur but it’s real and I’m doing my best.

I feel like such a burden on people, like I’m really freaking them out, making them dislike me even for how I am. I promise I’m not always like this. I’m sorry if I latch on to you, message you constantly. I just don’t want to be alone with my mind anymore. I wake up in the night sweating, wondering what is happening, is this right? The tumour in my chest feels bigger but i’m unsure. That’s worrying me, my neck is swelling and I have the flu. I’m just exhausted. I don’t want this life. Why me?

I’m lucky to have my partner in my life. He’s been here for me since day 1 and I couldn’t ever ask for me. We have a bond that will never break, I just wish I was better for him. I worry about everything, my future, my present, my past. I waste so much time being angry and sad but I can’t help it. It’s just happening and it’s beyond my control.

Why me?

M.S

And The Cycle Continues…

I find myself in the same situation I’ve dealt with monthly since becoming unwell 3 years ago. The physical torture is so intense but I’m used to it and can mask it surprisingly well. My friend who has the same condition actually compared it to her early stages of labour. Thank God for modern medicine.

I feel trapped today, I’m unsure as to why…I’m experiencing quite an intense low and the anguish it is causing really isn’t something I’ve had in a long time. I’ve been incredibly fulfilled and happy with my new job, I finally feel part of a small family with people who care about each other. I feel happy to actually be a part of something, while before I usually become distant and unsociable very quickly.

A fellow blogger reached out to me in the comments and really made me feel understood for once. Not many people I know feel compelled to address mental illness, but it is real, and it continues to destroy the lives people lead daily. Since starting this blog many people I have known previously have approached me to tell me how they had no idea that I have been living how I have and that they feel sorry for me. I am thankful people take into consideration the daily struggle I will live now till the day I die. However, I don’t want people to say sorry and give me sympathy. I just want people to be aware that not everyone is openly suffering and that a number of illnesses are invisible.

I don’t have as much to say as I usually do, maybe that’s from the low mood and brain fog, but I want everyone to know that bad days will come for everyone, and that you will defeat them. It will take time but I believe in you all.

Life is too short for anger and hatred. Understand the cards you have been dealt and shape them into something you can accept and build upon.

This has probably been the hardest week for me in a lot of ways, but its almost over and it’s time to rest and make sure I’m ready for next week…

And the cycle continues…

M.S

No Judgment Is Welcome Here, Only Compassion.

I am currently a member of many groups on Facebook that focus on specific illnesses and how to deal with them. They are usually an excellent place for people who need help finding different avenues of treatment, a place where they can openly express themselves, and also a place where people can go to not be judged by people in their lives. However, it has come to my attention that these groups aren’t always the place they’re made out to be.

I’ve found myself having to stand up for a poor woman tonight who has had the displeasure of fellow members personally degrading her, correcting her grammar, and belittling her all because she decided she was confident enough to openly discuss how her illness is effecting her daily and the impact it is having on many parts of her personal life. We as people are meant to be accepting of others, not making them loath themselves because of a poor choice of wording on one occasion.

I find it hard to believe that people are so offended by one word a person is using to HONESTLY speak about their experience with an illness. When did it become personal to you? When did it really make an impact on your day and you as a person? It didn’t, did it.

People really should not say anything at all if they know it will have a negative effect on someone, of stable mind or not. I am feeling very ashamed to be part of a world where people are having to constantly watch how they speak about their lives, how people are constantly worrying about other people judging them. Many people with mental illness or other diseases have trouble finding the right words to use to describe their emotions, or their everyday experiences. We should care more about what they are feeling than what they are saying.

People need love and affection, not hatred and aggression.

I think we should all reflect on instances where we have belittled someone else, where we have made them feel low, or inferior. I know I am. We may not realise it until it’s too late, but we should at least then apologise for it. We are all experiencing different things, but you shouldn’t be made to feel like you’re less important, insignificant and that you don’t matter.

I dream of being able to live in a world where I don’t have to fear for judgment, where my life can be accepted for what it is and not something that is a failure.

I am more than my illness, but sometimes it’s hard to rise above and accept it.

M.S