I’m glad 2016 has finally come to an end and 2017 has started, even if it hasn’t been the best start. I look back and reflect almost daily, not on 2016 alone, but on my whole life. I’ve lost focus on what is important to me and where I am heading. Depression, other mental disorders and illnesses that have brain fog or loss of mental function have plagued my life for a number of years now.
I am no longer that same 16 year old girl I once was, instead I am a shadow of my former self who lives behind smiles and finger picking. Everyone always tells me how much better I have been the last few months, how since August I seem far happier and much more like my former self. I don’t see this, and the people who spend almost everyday with me and wrestle with my thoughts know this.
You have taken my life away, but I want it back. I’m fed up of living a miserable life that is plagued by stupid nightmares, or small harsh reminders that you’re around. I hate that I’m made to be crazy now, that I’m not able to be of sane mind because I have a mental disorder or two attached to me at all times.
I will chase my ambitions, I know I may seem stupid or vulnerable sometimes but I will get there.
I’m more than a victim, I’m more than you’ll ever be.
It’s important to surround yourself with people who will ride and die for you, who will show you where to go when you have no idea of how to get there. Even though your illnesses will tell you that you can’t do it, you can. Put your mind to it and push. Push to be the person you dream of, put the past behind you and show everyone the transformation you’ve made.
I’m not the kind of person to shy away from topics that most are afraid of. You need to harness your demons and take control. Don’t let a mental or physical illness define you, you are more than you give yourself credit for.
You will lose and gain so many people in your lifetime, your relationship dynamics may or may not completely change at all, but you should always have someone by your side. You just need that one supporter who really pushes you and sees things in you that you yourself cannot see.
I am blessed with a best friend who shows me right from wrong and helps me realise and achieve my dreams. I am forever grateful for you Toby. You’ve picked me up when I have been at my lowest and watched me suffer for years. Thank you.
And to everyone else who I love and adore so dearly, I hope this year is yours. That you’ll experience things that you’ve never imagined would become possible in your most turbulent times.
Find solace in the small things, listen to every tiny noise and fall easy to the charms of life. We have so much to be thankful for and to embrace. We all may not be able to control the things that happen to us, but we can shape these experiences into something beneficial and powerful.
We are all more than our labels and barriers.
M.S